Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
