He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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