i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
