I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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