From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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