My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
