Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
