I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
