What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
