Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
