He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
