Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I could make wine with my vomit
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
