Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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