i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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