Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This is the high leading the old right now
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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