The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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