Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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