My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
