were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The best revenge is premature balding
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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