Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize