my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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