I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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