Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
