oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
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I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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