I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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