They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
