I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
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So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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