Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
