Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
