You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize