i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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