I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You pole danced in your parka.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
