She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
