why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
