Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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