last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
