Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
please come you make the beer taste better
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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