i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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