apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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