I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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