Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
