The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
