Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
