I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
