Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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