you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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