Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
