my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
