My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
