let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
