Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
