Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
