My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
