I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Mom said you looked used
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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